Why am I bad at finding people?

I thought that life in high school would get better as I transitioned into a junior. I clearly was not prepared for all the shit that has happened to me and is still happening to me. When I was a freshman, I remember thinking that I would find a friend and it would all just click. Too bad expectations are like a fantasy and reality hits you like your brown mom does when you get a 99 on a test instead of a 100. Anyway, I actually found a friend the first day of school. She was from my previous middle school but I didn't really talk to her until high school. For the first week of high school, we sat together during our lunch period but we did not have that click. I remember a lot of awkward tension and formality. I will include dialogue to show how our conversations would usually go. For the dialogue, let's call her Nadia. When I talked to her, our conversations would be like this:

Me: Hey Nadia, what's up?

Nadia: Oh nothing much. I'm just tired of school.

ME: ..... So what classes and teachers do you have?

Nadia: I have Ms. X for math, Mr. E for English, Ms. A for.......... and so on

Me: Do you like high school so far?

Nadia: It's okay.

Me: ....................

It didn't last very long with Nadia. She moved onto another group. Then she stopped talking to me.



The conversation I had with Nadia is similar to the conversations I have with most people in school as of junior year. School is not the only place where I have banal conversations to pass the time. In parties, I feel out of place. In club meetings, I feel out of place. I am not good at conversations. I don't know how to effectively talk to people. I feel bored in conversations. If someone wants to talk about the new iPhone 11 or the new hot guy at school, it would be better to not talk to me. I really despise those types of conversations. Whenever I talk to someone, it feels like I am stuck in a room with them because we are trapped into a situation of forced conversation. I can tell when someone is uncomfortable talking to me because eyes are darting here and there, nervous laughs are exchanged, and the awkward silences seem to last for eternity. I don't know how to get close to people. Small talk with people I don't know well is gut-wrenching and yawn-inducing. Sometimes I think it's my fault for being so bad at conversation. But people don't care about my problems. I have to find ways to fix them.

I have been participating in class more than I have ever done in my 16 years of life. It helped me boost my confidence a little. I was so scared at first but I forced myself to raise my hand. I had to break out of my comfort zone in order to participate. Now it is more natural for me to raise my hand. The teachers actually know my name. It's great to participate in class but it's crappy when I leave the classroom. And when I finally leave school, I wonder, 'why am I walking by myself'? 'Why am I alone when everyone else around is laughing and having a great time with their friends'? 'Why is it that I cannot be capable of being in a circle of friends'? 'Why is it that I cannot talk to anyone'? These thoughts run through my head every single day. Although it is junior year, I still feel like I do not belong in my high school. I feel like a freshman on the first day of school, looking for a place to sit in lunch. I do not belong to the people. I do not belong to the quiet kids, the smart kids, the lazy kids, or the popular kids. I did find some friends but I am not close to them. They all have their own groups and social circles.



I am a nomad drifting from group to group. I can't stay in one group too long because I feel unwelcomed. Even if the people are so nice, I feel uneasy. There is too much formality between a whole group of friends and me. They know each other very well but I do not. I guess my personality drives some people away from me. I am pretty awkward and shy. I have tried to talk to people and get close to them but it is too painful for me. I feel hurt when I cannot talk to them.

If you are giving the time to read my thoughts, I am really thankful. I feel like blogging is the only way to get myself to reveal my true thoughts about my life and high school. Email me at skydiamondz12@gmail.com if you just want to talk.