Lol I just read my first blog entry and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. My writing skills were so excellent, much talent, very touching.
It’s hard to believe that it’s almost 2019. I remember crying on that day in 2015 when middle schoolers were matched to their high schools. My nose was like Niagara Falls and my tear ducts were violent like monsoon seasons. Some kids were getting lit (Not like A.P. Lit though) and others were 😡ðŸ˜. Our cries in unison were really ugly but beautiful at the same time because we shared a common pain. We did not get into the high schools we wanted. My mom was very unhappy with me and I thought she stopped loving me. I was very sad for about a week but food helped me cope. Additionally, I watched a bunch of K-dramas and K-pop within this time period. Then I kinda moved on with my life. Kinda.
Some aunties talk about the SHSAT today but now the conversation is all about college. They should stop bragging about that sugar honey iced tea because it is not a good conversation starter. Are grades and college the only things they can talk about 😳? Anyway, I’m applying to a bunch of SUNYs, CUNYs, and privates. I cannot do much now because what’s done is done. I got my SAT scores, my extracurriculars, and my 3 years of high school grades. I’ll be rejected by some colleges but I definitely know that also be accepted by others. I think college is overrated but it’s statistically proven that college graduates make more money than high school graduates. Harvard dropouts might be an exception though. Just look at Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Now they don’t have thousands of dollars of student loans and debt. Oops never mind, they’re too rich to be in debt because of COLLEGE.
I’ve come to love my high school, TAEHS, even though it’s poorly managed by the principal. You have students that keep getting their SHOP classes changed every year, students that are being forced to take Spanish in their senior year of high school, and students that skip the lunch line and get away with it! AND BOIII HAVE I GOT A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THE COLLEGE OFFICE!! You learn about deadlines and important information by word of mouth rather than notifications from the college office. The college office and school really needs to work on informing seniors about vital college app information. The seniors at Edison are so lost and have no idea what to do. But other than those issues, my high school experience at Edison has been AMAZING. I met a lot of cool people and I learned how to step out of my comfort zone. I performed KAL HO NA HOOOOO on Karaoke Night which is something I never would have imagined myself doing 3-4 years ago (and the crowd was awesome and supportive!). I even traveled to Syracuse and Texas for the HOSA Spring Leadership Conference and HOSA International Leadership conference, respectively. I stayed overnight for a few days away from my home. I used to think I would have to get married first before staying away from home but hey it happened. A lot firsts were reached right here in high school and I’ll never forget them. High school helped me grow into a strong, young woman (I have the gastrocnemius muscles to prove it).
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Why am I bad at finding people?
I thought that life in high school would get better as I transitioned into a junior. I clearly was not prepared for all the shit that has happened to me and is still happening to me. When I was a freshman, I remember thinking that I would find a friend and it would all just click. Too bad expectations are like a fantasy and reality hits you like your brown mom does when you get a 99 on a test instead of a 100. Anyway, I actually found a friend the first day of school. She was from my previous middle school but I didn't really talk to her until high school. For the first week of high school, we sat together during our lunch period but we did not have that click. I remember a lot of awkward tension and formality. I will include dialogue to show how our conversations would usually go. For the dialogue, let's call her Nadia. When I talked to her, our conversations would be like this:
Me: Hey Nadia, what's up?
Nadia: Oh nothing much. I'm just tired of school.
ME: ..... So what classes and teachers do you have?
Nadia: I have Ms. X for math, Mr. E for English, Ms. A for.......... and so on
Me: Do you like high school so far?
Nadia: It's okay.
Me: ....................
It didn't last very long with Nadia. She moved onto another group. Then she stopped talking to me.
The conversation I had with Nadia is similar to the conversations I have with most people in school as of junior year. School is not the only place where I have banal conversations to pass the time. In parties, I feel out of place. In club meetings, I feel out of place. I am not good at conversations. I don't know how to effectively talk to people. I feel bored in conversations. If someone wants to talk about the new iPhone 11 or the new hot guy at school, it would be better to not talk to me. I really despise those types of conversations. Whenever I talk to someone, it feels like I am stuck in a room with them because we are trapped into a situation of forced conversation. I can tell when someone is uncomfortable talking to me because eyes are darting here and there, nervous laughs are exchanged, and the awkward silences seem to last for eternity. I don't know how to get close to people. Small talk with people I don't know well is gut-wrenching and yawn-inducing. Sometimes I think it's my fault for being so bad at conversation. But people don't care about my problems. I have to find ways to fix them.
I have been participating in class more than I have ever done in my 16 years of life. It helped me boost my confidence a little. I was so scared at first but I forced myself to raise my hand. I had to break out of my comfort zone in order to participate. Now it is more natural for me to raise my hand. The teachers actually know my name. It's great to participate in class but it's crappy when I leave the classroom. And when I finally leave school, I wonder, 'why am I walking by myself'? 'Why am I alone when everyone else around is laughing and having a great time with their friends'? 'Why is it that I cannot be capable of being in a circle of friends'? 'Why is it that I cannot talk to anyone'? These thoughts run through my head every single day. Although it is junior year, I still feel like I do not belong in my high school. I feel like a freshman on the first day of school, looking for a place to sit in lunch. I do not belong to the people. I do not belong to the quiet kids, the smart kids, the lazy kids, or the popular kids. I did find some friends but I am not close to them. They all have their own groups and social circles.
I am a nomad drifting from group to group. I can't stay in one group too long because I feel unwelcomed. Even if the people are so nice, I feel uneasy. There is too much formality between a whole group of friends and me. They know each other very well but I do not. I guess my personality drives some people away from me. I am pretty awkward and shy. I have tried to talk to people and get close to them but it is too painful for me. I feel hurt when I cannot talk to them.
If you are giving the time to read my thoughts, I am really thankful. I feel like blogging is the only way to get myself to reveal my true thoughts about my life and high school. Email me at skydiamondz12@gmail.com if you just want to talk.
Me: Hey Nadia, what's up?
Nadia: Oh nothing much. I'm just tired of school.
ME: ..... So what classes and teachers do you have?
Nadia: I have Ms. X for math, Mr. E for English, Ms. A for.......... and so on
Me: Do you like high school so far?
Nadia: It's okay.
Me: ....................
It didn't last very long with Nadia. She moved onto another group. Then she stopped talking to me.
The conversation I had with Nadia is similar to the conversations I have with most people in school as of junior year. School is not the only place where I have banal conversations to pass the time. In parties, I feel out of place. In club meetings, I feel out of place. I am not good at conversations. I don't know how to effectively talk to people. I feel bored in conversations. If someone wants to talk about the new iPhone 11 or the new hot guy at school, it would be better to not talk to me. I really despise those types of conversations. Whenever I talk to someone, it feels like I am stuck in a room with them because we are trapped into a situation of forced conversation. I can tell when someone is uncomfortable talking to me because eyes are darting here and there, nervous laughs are exchanged, and the awkward silences seem to last for eternity. I don't know how to get close to people. Small talk with people I don't know well is gut-wrenching and yawn-inducing. Sometimes I think it's my fault for being so bad at conversation. But people don't care about my problems. I have to find ways to fix them.
I have been participating in class more than I have ever done in my 16 years of life. It helped me boost my confidence a little. I was so scared at first but I forced myself to raise my hand. I had to break out of my comfort zone in order to participate. Now it is more natural for me to raise my hand. The teachers actually know my name. It's great to participate in class but it's crappy when I leave the classroom. And when I finally leave school, I wonder, 'why am I walking by myself'? 'Why am I alone when everyone else around is laughing and having a great time with their friends'? 'Why is it that I cannot be capable of being in a circle of friends'? 'Why is it that I cannot talk to anyone'? These thoughts run through my head every single day. Although it is junior year, I still feel like I do not belong in my high school. I feel like a freshman on the first day of school, looking for a place to sit in lunch. I do not belong to the people. I do not belong to the quiet kids, the smart kids, the lazy kids, or the popular kids. I did find some friends but I am not close to them. They all have their own groups and social circles.
I am a nomad drifting from group to group. I can't stay in one group too long because I feel unwelcomed. Even if the people are so nice, I feel uneasy. There is too much formality between a whole group of friends and me. They know each other very well but I do not. I guess my personality drives some people away from me. I am pretty awkward and shy. I have tried to talk to people and get close to them but it is too painful for me. I feel hurt when I cannot talk to them.
If you are giving the time to read my thoughts, I am really thankful. I feel like blogging is the only way to get myself to reveal my true thoughts about my life and high school. Email me at skydiamondz12@gmail.com if you just want to talk.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Damn Daniel
I'm back at it again with the white Vans! I'm just kidding, I don't even own any Vans. I've always been a converse lover. Anyway, that was a viral meme that has been spreading like the Plague. Basically an attractive teenager named Daniel who wears white vans was featured in a clip. But the reason it's so popular is because his friend repeated the words "Damn Daniel" over and over again several times- IN A STRANGE VOICE. He also said "Back at it again with the white Vans"
I can't believe memes get this much recognition and popularity. It. stumps. me. so. much.
So many people at school keep talking and repeating it so many times. They also did the same thing with the previous memes such as:
-"Another one. Another one. Another one. ANOTHER ONE. AND ANOTHER ONE"
- "Twenty one or twenny wan"
- "Netflix and chill"
Need I say more?
I'm tired. Good night.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Arranged Marriage
6/22/15
I'm back! Poor you, having to wait so long for me. I post whenever I feel like it. So deal with it ^_^ It's currently sunny and hot on this lovely summer day! Currently it's 86 degrees with slight--! Oops this is not the weather channel. This is the news channel DUH. I might go on and ooooooon about the debatable topic- arranged marriage. So why am I going to talk about arranged marriage?
Arranged marriage can either be a good thing or a bad thing. It all depends on the person. If you're a brown girl, you might hate it. If you're a parent, you might love it. It sucks for guys and girls who have to get arranged marriages. Sometimes they're compete strangers and sometimes they're cousins. They spend the rest of their lives together and this means expanding the family. You totally get what I mean ;) Except it's Ramadan so you can't do any of that, you naughty child. Stop thinking about it! STOP! I'M SERIOUS! Okay, moving on... My mom and I were talking about arranged marriages. I was complaining about how arranged marriages can ruin your life and my mom was complaining about me complaining about how arranged marriages can ruin your life. It went a little something like this:
Me: "Ammu, will you force me to have an arranged marriage? I don't want one."
Mom: "Why would you ask me that? Are you hiding something from me? Are you doing itish pitish with a boy? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT ARRANGED MARRIAGES! YOU CAN HAVE A REALLY NICE LIFE IF YOU HAVE ONE AND YOU WON'T SUFFER FROM LOVE MARRIAGES. YOU WON'T EVEN FIND A BOY CUZ U UGLY AF! SO ARRANGED MARRIAGE IS A GOOD OPTION FOR YOU! I REGRET -blah-blah-blah! "
Me: T_T Y u do dis?
There was more to the extremely exaggerated conversation. I was just too lazy to put it down.
My mom is fond of arranged marriages. She is disgusted with love. She prefers arranged marriages with cousins because they have known each other and they're close. It's a bit too close though o.O The right term for this is ---hold on lemme get out urban dictionary. *Flips le virtual pages*. Oooh found it! INCEST! It means....
"The way the British royal family keeps itself German."
.......................... close enough. My mom prefers that I marry my cousin. THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! But in my defense, all my cousins have found lovely ladies. These ladies are in no way my cousins. That's amazing because my mom will have no one to compare me to. My dad said that if my grades are crappy in my freshman year of high school, he will set up an arranged marriage. That's not helpful because my grades are not the best. But then again all my cousins are taken. Too bad for him :P
I'm back! Poor you, having to wait so long for me. I post whenever I feel like it. So deal with it ^_^ It's currently sunny and hot on this lovely summer day! Currently it's 86 degrees with slight--! Oops this is not the weather channel. This is the news channel DUH. I might go on and ooooooon about the debatable topic- arranged marriage. So why am I going to talk about arranged marriage?
Arranged marriage can either be a good thing or a bad thing. It all depends on the person. If you're a brown girl, you might hate it. If you're a parent, you might love it. It sucks for guys and girls who have to get arranged marriages. Sometimes they're compete strangers and sometimes they're cousins. They spend the rest of their lives together and this means expanding the family. You totally get what I mean ;) Except it's Ramadan so you can't do any of that, you naughty child. Stop thinking about it! STOP! I'M SERIOUS! Okay, moving on... My mom and I were talking about arranged marriages. I was complaining about how arranged marriages can ruin your life and my mom was complaining about me complaining about how arranged marriages can ruin your life. It went a little something like this:
Me: "Ammu, will you force me to have an arranged marriage? I don't want one."
Mom: "Why would you ask me that? Are you hiding something from me? Are you doing itish pitish with a boy? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT ARRANGED MARRIAGES! YOU CAN HAVE A REALLY NICE LIFE IF YOU HAVE ONE AND YOU WON'T SUFFER FROM LOVE MARRIAGES. YOU WON'T EVEN FIND A BOY CUZ U UGLY AF! SO ARRANGED MARRIAGE IS A GOOD OPTION FOR YOU! I REGRET -blah-blah-blah! "
Me: T_T Y u do dis?
There was more to the extremely exaggerated conversation. I was just too lazy to put it down.
My mom is fond of arranged marriages. She is disgusted with love. She prefers arranged marriages with cousins because they have known each other and they're close. It's a bit too close though o.O The right term for this is ---hold on lemme get out urban dictionary. *Flips le virtual pages*. Oooh found it! INCEST! It means....
"The way the British royal family keeps itself German."
.......................... close enough. My mom prefers that I marry my cousin. THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! But in my defense, all my cousins have found lovely ladies. These ladies are in no way my cousins. That's amazing because my mom will have no one to compare me to. My dad said that if my grades are crappy in my freshman year of high school, he will set up an arranged marriage. That's not helpful because my grades are not the best. But then again all my cousins are taken. Too bad for him :P
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Beginnings and the SHSAT
3/8/2015
Hello to the person reading this! I don't know how you ended up here but you must be lonely. Like very VERY lonely. Anyway if you're wondering, then yes... I am a Bengali girl. I am a soon to be high school freshman in NYC. I'm an underachiever and I have no goals. I'm exceptionally lazy (hence why I end up finishing up all my homework at 1 A.M.) and I hate everything (as of now). I just reveal my thoughts on this blog about my life or a particular topic. Geez, you're still reading this? You must be really, REALLY bored! Anyway, today I'm going to discuss about a controversial topic: the SHSAT
Basically the SHSAT is a test that either 8th graders or 9th graders take. SHSAT stands for Specialized High Schools Admissions Test. This test is only administered to those residing in New York so if you're not in New York get outta here (Just kidding)! This test determines what high school students may be admitted to. However, these high schools are not any plain old high school. They stand for "Specialized" for a reason. These high schools are very selective. About 30,000 students take this test but like 5,000 or 6,000 students get into a specialized high school (Boo hoo! T_T). I took the test on October 26, of 2014 (Last year, duh!) and it was nerve- wrecking. I started prepping for the test in June so basically I had 4 months to prepare for this test. I thought this is enough time to study. Now let's get back to the day of the test. So on the last 5 minutes of the test, I had more than 20 (that's right 20!!) questions left to answer. I had to put more than 20 random answers for the remaining questions (and these questions weighed the most as they were the last questions). All those 4 months were put to waste. Not to mention, thousands of dollars wasted. That was probably the worst day of my 2014. I knew I had no chance of making it into a specialized high school. Also as an eighth grader, of course I had to give in high school applications. I put Bayside High School as my first choice and Thomas Edison high school as my second choice (how wise -__-). Don't be confused by the SHSAT and regular high school applications. They're two different things. Anyway, I got my high school results plus the SHSAT results a few days ago. Now you see where this is leading to! Anyhow, I did not get any offer to a specialized high school. Many tears were let out on this horrible day. As a Bengali girl with Bengali parents this would lead me to chaos. Typical Bengali parents expect their children to get into good schools (Especially those residing in NYC). Every single person I know who took the SHSAT got in to a specialized high school. I'm not even kidding. My best friend got into Stuyvesant and some other Bengali kid I know. I could name everyone who got into a specialized high school but of course that would take soooooo long!! It's hell knowing that I did not get into a specialized high school whereas all those people I know did! Instead, I got into Edison! My second choice! I'm really stupid because I put that school as my second choice. I could have put Cardozo HS or Forest Hills HS. I could have easily gotten into those better high schools. I regret everything and I wish that I could go back in time. I wish I could retake the SHSAT and get into a school. I can take the test again in 9th grade but there are less seats and to my luck the test is much harder. I know there is no way of getting into a specialized high school unless I do AMAZINGGG on the 9th grade SHSAT. In that case, I would need a miracle because I truly am a dumbass. My mom is disappointed in me and I am too. I have no hope for what the future holds on me. I wish I could go back in time. I really really REALLY wish I could.
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